6 Months Living With Sean Ryan
Today, the 7th November 2009, our son Sean Ryan is living with us now for 6 months.
He changed our life more then anything else and someone would understand.
One thing didn't change during this time, the workload in my company. The opposite is the case, not because we, in our team, are lazy bastards or unknowledged, no, it's something else. I don't want to write about it (this could happen later), but I can tell you, that company life changed me to something I don't want be and I don't want Sean to experience.
Those of you, who know me better, know that I'm not against drinking alcohol, but I never drank every bloody day so much beer, that I was always drunk when I came home. No. Right now, I was drinking like hell with colleagues after work and most of the times I came home mostly drunk.
Last Monday, I had a nervous breakdown of some kind, I started to cry, standing in front of the bathroom mirror and was telling to the picture in the mirror: "No, I don't want to be like that, I don't want to be like that, you asshole don't need to drink to compensate your problems". I went to our son, and I was promising him. with tears in my eyes, that I don't touch any alcohol in the next couple of weeks, months or years until I don't feel confident that I wouldn't jump into that alcoholic desaster. Really, I'm not interessted into joining the AAs, and I think I still have some time until it becomes an illness. So I have to stop because of myself.
Next week there are some meetings about the future of my person and our team in general. When this mismanagement doesn't stop, I'm sure, I'm gone in no time. The Life of our Son, My Life, The Life of C. and me is more important then anything else.
I need to repair many things which broke in my relationship between C. and me, I need to repair it fast, because when I'm failing in this, I can say good bye to C. and Sean. And some of you know, that I don't like to "Fail".
Why I'm writing all this and why I'm disclose my personal "failing"?
Because I think I'm not alone with such a situation, especially in this IT cloud (doesn't matter if it's paid or unpaid). And I want to show C. and Sean that I really mean it and to always remind me: "Don't let yourself down, stupid" and "Alcohol is not a solution!"
Comments
Don't hesitate to take further steps into the right direction!
I have already read lots of good thoughts in the comments of this post and don't want to add much more...
It is certainly a good start to talk about your problem. Don't hesitate to take further steps into the right direction! I wish you all the best on your way!
Greetings from Switzerland
excellent post
Takes a lot of courage to talk about these kind of topics. My problem was I never had a problem.
Just a tip. Don't fight it. Replace it.
Everything we do is for a reason, because we need something, like the need to relax. Whatever you need, find something you're happy with that still gives you that, otherwise you're fighting yourself (which by definition you always lose). For example, cardio exercise is one of the best type of stress relief (and excellent for balancing mood, too). Listening to music, talking with supportive friends, even skin to skin contact with your baby are also great options (it releases calming hormones in *both* men and women). Whatever works for you, give yourself what you really need, and replacing a habit can become easy.
You can win this *and* enjoy the process. All the best. We're all on your side.
Get some professional help
Do not believe all these warm, cuddly messages about what a great person you are and how everything will work out. It will not.
You are sick and you are hurting your family. Even in those brief paragraphs you refer only to yourself, and not to the needs and feelings of your patner and child. You choose to blame your job and not yourself. You think you are in control, but you are not.
You need to refer yourself for professional psychiatric help, not the AA or support group. Go to your doctor for a referral.
Life is the only rule...
And, as a father and human being, I know you will get through this.
The question is what it will mean and what consequences it will have. But you know this and you will find a way.
Peace man. Enjoy soberly the precious, and short, time the life of your child is. Before you notice that time will have passed.
There have been thousands before you and there are thousands to come. We all have a choice, everyday.
Choose love and choose life. You have never had a choice when it comes to that. And you never will...
Life is the only rule...
And, as a father and human being, I know you will get through this.
The question is what it will mean and what consequences it will have. But you know this and you will find a way.
Peace man. Enjoy soberly the precious, and short, time the life of your child is. Before you notice that time will have passed.
There have been thousands before you and there are thousands to come. We all have a choice, everyday.
Choose love and choose life. You have never had a choice when it comes to that. And you never will...
wow. Take care of yourself first.
I read lots of aggragators in the FLOSS world, I have read ubuntu planet since it started, and I always look forward to what your rant will be this week and the happiness you show with regard to your family. So I hope you find the help you need, hope you find the support from friends and family and that you accept it. If a substance has impacted your life so much, recognize what power it has, get it as far away as possible. Try to find a space in your life to calm down and reduce the stress in yourself. Maybe meditation, a walk in a park, spending time with a loved one, but whatever it takes to feel and release it each day. I hope you get better and that you can repair what ever is damaged with your family relationship. Ubuntu - we are who we are because of our relationship to others!
Hang in there
I just wanted to throw in a word of support and tell you that you're not alone. Just always be honest with your child(ren), your wife or significant other, and most of all yourself. I've been through a similar situation and if you need anything then please send me an e-mail and I'll be happy to help you in any way I can. Good Luck!
You have no idea...
... how many people are pulling for you. As a Planet contributor, I'm not sure you know the scope of distribution of your blog, or that for every one person that comments or comes to your home page to read your words (and show up in your logs/statistics), there are 100, or 1000, or 10,000 other people that are silent but involved in caring about you, your life, and your work.
I started reading the Ubuntu Planet blogs 3+ years ago because it was set up by default in Akkregator. I look forward to your rants, your admonishments, and your tips. I rejoiced when you announced the pregnancy, and rejoiced again when you became a father, because I identify with you on those levels (although I take issue with your comments about Java and the new American president).
In then end, you are not responsible to your boss, your fans on the Planet, Ubuntu, or anyone else. You are responsible to your family and yourself. Do the right thing, for you, your wife, and your son. Know that people on the other side of the world share your pain, and hope for you. Some of us have been EXACTLY where you are (or worse), and want you to know you can rise above any of the deamons that feel like they're breathing down your neck.
Good luck.
talk
Great, that you chose to make that public and tell us: It get's named and is out there - not roaming secretly around within you!
And you see - ther're people out there who give you encouragement and share some of their experiences - your not alone.
One thing is very importand - talk to your wife! Don't take things for granted. Share with her, what you realy feel and want...your thoughts and fears...and be open for her's as well. that will keep you united...
Anyway, all the best, man! You already move into the right direction.
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